


Always

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-18
Updated: 2011-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:59:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t mean to say it, but it slips out, how because none of that was enough, Kendall had to go and steal his heart, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

The snow crunches under his feet, the bitter cold air piercing through the layers of clothes he’s wearing, but James doesn’t stop. He turns his head down, blocking his face from the bite of the wind.

Snow is falling in thick flakes around him, the white of it the only thing visible everywhere he looks. The temperature is somewhere in the negatives, and James knows he’s going to hate himself when he ends up sick and sweating, but he had to leave, had to get out.

He’s not even sure where he’s going, turning left here, going right there. It wouldn’t surprise him if he’s managed to get lost; it’d only reflect what he feels: lost, confused, defeated, unwanted.

This isn’t how he saw this all playing out. It isn’t supposed to be Kendall getting what James wants. Not again. It’s an overwhelming feeling, always coming in second behind Kendall, even in things Kendall doesn’t try at.

James is a self-dubbed ladies’ man. Well, it’s not so much self-dubbed since everyone who knows him is quick to say he’s got a way with the ladies. He knows all the things to say, the way to make his voice smooth like butter, but when it comes down to it, it’s Kendall that gets the dates, and the numbers, and the girls tripping over their feet to ask Kendall on a date.

And it’s not even that James actually wants to date any of those girls. He doesn’t, not really. He just likes the momentary attention it gets him, the way the girls blush and giggle at him. It makes him feel good, wanted; especially since the one he wants seems to pay him no attention, at least not the way he wants it.

There were also those times in freshmen choir when Kendall stole the lead solo right out from under James, and that wasn’t fair, or so James thought. Kendall didn’t seem to care half as much about them as James did, and James hated it, hated seeing and hearing Kendall sing the parts that were supposed to be his. But he couldn’t deny the fact that Kendall’s voice was good, amazing even.

It’s why James is walking out in the freezing cold because, as all things go when it comes to Kendall, he’s yet again taken something James wants, and if James didn’t leave when he did, he’s sure he would’ve punched Kendall in the jaw.

He keeps asking himself how Kendall managed to take this, the one thing he’s devoted his entire life to. What’s worse is the fact that Kendall doesn’t want it, doesn’t want any part of it, and okay, James gets that Kendall’s devoted his life to being a hockey player, but that just adds to his rage that of all people, Kendall was the one offered to be whisked away for a shot at the fame L.A. offers.

It makes his blood boil, hot and unwelcoming, because with it comes the feeling of burning jealous and hurt, hurt that Kendall flat-out refused the offer knowing how much James wants it. He hates that Kendall seems to get everything without even trying, and he hates that he’s so upset, but he can’t help it, can’t help the way his eyes are wet with tears that are threatening to fall the moment he blinks.

\--

James continues walking, shivers wracking his body even as he pulls his coat tighter around him. He comes to a stop in a familiar parking lot, and of course, his brain is used to taking this path, so it’s only natural he’d end up at the grocery store Kendall works at.

Though he’s tried, James can’t stop the way his heart always clenches at the thought of Kendall. For as long as he can remember, it’s always been Kendall, even back before he even know what the feeling meant.

He’s tried, tried so hard to change that, to cast his affections onto anyone else, but it’s always backfired on him, making that clenching and fluttering of his heart that much more noticeable every time he think of Kendall.

The ringing of his phone jerks James into awareness, and he’s not surprised at the number of missed calls he has. None of them are from Kendall, and it’s like his heart stops, the thought that Kendall doesn’t care.

He gets lost in his head again, staring blankly up at the illuminated Sherwood Grocery sign, and he doesn’t hear the crunch of the snow behind him until there’s a hand on his shoulder, startling him out of his thoughts.

Kendall’s standing behind him, shivering, the light from the streetlamp casting a washed out yellow glow over his face, but his eyes are still shining brightly.

James lets Kendall steer him away, guiding him through the snow back to Kendall’s house. It seems like a much shorter walk with Kendall by his side, a comforting warmth in the bitter cold.

James doesn’t realize the bottoms of his jeans are soaked through until he’s stepping out of his boots in the entryway of Kendall’s house. It’s then that he realizes just how cold he is, but Kendall’s already there, draping a thick blanket around his shoulders and leading him into the living room where Logan and Carlos are watching their every move.

“Idiot,” Logan says fondly, but there’s a huge hint of relief in his voice.

Carlos bounds up to smother James in a hug, but Logan reins him back, grasping the back of his shirt tightly and yanking him back down into his seat.

James hears them talking around him, but he’s too tired, drained, to respond. Their voices go soft and muted around him, and he burrows further under the blanket, exhaustion taking over, effectively putting his buzzing head to rest.

\--

Hours later when James wakes up, the lights are all off and the house is silent. He intends to sneak out once he extricates himself from the mounds of blankets covering him, but when he’s finally free, a voice says, “Stay,” so James does.

He settles back into the blankets, pulling them up to his shoulders, surprised that he’s still a little cold. It probably doesn’t help that he didn’t bother changing out of his jeans, the bottoms still damp.

The light flicks on and Kendall’s standing there, dressed in a pair of threadbare pajamas that have seen better days and a gray thermal, looking like he hasn’t slept a wink.

“You okay?” he asks, voice soft and concerned.

James isn’t okay, not really. He’s still not quite over the fact that Gustavo picked Kendall; that Kendall turned Gustavo down. It just doesn’t compute.

He shrugs his response, closing his eyes for a brief moment as he allows himself to absorb his dream slipping from his fingers. It hits him hard that here was his shot and Kendall nabbed it away, but despite that, he doesn’t let himself cry. He tells himself that he’ll just have to work that much harder because he won’t give up until he’s made it.

When he opens his eyes, Kendall’s made his way to the sofa, sitting down next to his blanket-covered feet.

“I’m sorry, y’know,” Kendall says, and James isn’t sure what part he’s sorry for. Sorry for taking the spotlight, for declining Gustavo’s offer, for something else, James doesn’t know.

James only nods, not quite trusting himself to speak. It’s late and he doesn’t want to do this; he’s bound to say something he’ll regret when the morning comes.

Kendall sighs, frustrated that James isn’t talking to him. He doesn’t know what else he could possibly say, so he pats James’ leg in a comforting manner, and then he’s off the sofa, looking back at James before he shuts off the light and disappears.

There’s a moment of silence before James hears Kendall ascending the staircase, and then he’s up and off the sofa, tip-toeing through the living room in the dark. “Wait,” he says when he reaches the stairs, his voice too loud in the quiet.

Kendall stops and turns around, making his way back down the stairs. He stares at James, waiting for him to say something, anything, but James doesn’t. He’s about to make his way back up when James stops him with a hand around his wrist, holding him in place, and then James is dragging him through the kitchen to the garage.

It’s cold, colder than James had anticipated, granted he’s not really thinking because if he does, if he allows his mind to process what he’s doing, he’ll stop and close up.

When the door shuts behind them, James lets go of Kendall’s wrist, grateful for the darkness because it means Kendall can’t see him.

“What’s going on?” Kendall asks, confused.

James breathes deep, exhaling through his nose. “I don’t know, Kendall,” he says, hating how his voice sounds weak, “I hate this, it’s not fair. Why do you always get what I want?”

“What are you -,”

“Everything, Kendall. The choir solos, hockey captain, the girls, the chance to record with Gustavo Rocque; it’s not fair,” James explains, conveniently leaving out the part where he doesn’t care that Kendall gets the girls, or at least that he doesn’t care in the way that he’s supposed to.

“I don’t mean -,”

“Exactly, you don’t mean to. You’re just that great at every-fucking-thing, you get it all without even trying, and this. I’ve spent as long as I can remember dreaming of being a popstar, and it’s not fair that you get the offer. That was supposed to be mine, Kendall. _Mine_.”

Now that he’s started, he can’t stop, his mouth running a mile a minute as he bitches about every instance Kendall has taken something that was supposed to be his, and he doesn’t mean to say it, but it slips out, how because none of that was enough, Kendall had to go and steal his heart, too, and it sounds so girly when he says it, but it’s out there and now he can’t take it back and when he realizes he’s said it, he snaps his mouth shut and wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.

All James can hear is the way his heart is hammering in his chest, and his stomach feels like he’s been riding a looping rollercoaster and it’s so completely unpleasant.

Kendall doesn’t say anything, and James is sure he’s fucked up their friendship, but suddenly Kendall’s hands are on him, and Kendall’s pushing him back against the door, his head hitting with a dull thud.

It’s James’ turn to be confused, but he can’t get anything out because Kendall’s lips are on his, warm and soft, and clearly James has missed something because how did it go from him bitching to Kendall kissing him? Not that he’s complaining because Kendall’s hands are pushing up the fabric of his t-shirt, the cold tips of his fingers sliding up and down James’ sides, but it’s a welcoming touch, a different kind of heat thrumming through him.

James doesn’t want to, but he stops, pushing at Kendall’s chest to get him to step back.

“What the fuck, Kendall.”

“Sometimes I forget that you can be utterly dense,” Kendall says, no malice behind it, “It’s not like I meant to take any of that from you, but it didn’t all just magically fall into my lap. Except maybe Gustavo, but he’s stupid, okay, because you are a million times better at performing than I will ever be. And those girls, did you ever notice how yes, I got their numbers, but never bothered to call any of them? Do you know how many of them I actually took out on dates? None, James. None. I never wanted any of them. I still don’t want any of them.”

He gives James a moment to process what he’s said, and then he’s fitting his hands to James’ hips, pushing him back and kissing him like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, because really, it kind of is. He can’t explain it, even if he tries. There’s no way to put into words what James means to him, what James has always meant to him, and the only way he knows how to even remotely explain it is to pour every ounce of passion he can into kissing James to get James to see, feel, what he means to him.

They trade kisses for what feels like hours, kissing until they’re both breathless and their lips are swollen. Kendall collapses against him, breathing hard and heavy against his ear, and James can feel Kendall’s dick, hard against his hip. His mouth goes dry and he wants, wants, so he shifts his hips just a bit, swallowing hard when Kendall inhales sharply.

Kendall says his name, soft and shaky, and that’s all James needs, sliding his hand into Kendall’s pajamas and wrapping his hand around Kendall’s dick, stroking quick and tight as Kendall gasps into his ear. James thinks he could come from just this, from the way Kendall’s whispering his name over and over like a mantra, from the way Kendall’s hips are moving in an off-beat staccato rhythm as he gets close, from the way Kendall shakes and says, “James, fuck,” when he comes, hot and wet over James’ fist.

Kendall’s breathing hard, fighting to catch his breath, but that doesn’t stop him from pressing his lips to James’, working his own hand into the tight confines of James’ jeans, barely managing a few quick strokes before James is coming too, biting down on Kendall’s bottom lip as his orgasm is ripped from him.

James doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to let go, afraid that if he does this’ll all be just a dream, but the way Kendall’s kissing him, tongue slick and hot against his own, it chases away that fear.

Eventually they separate, the cum long since cooled on their skin, dry and flaky. Kendall wipes his hand on his pajama pants, a half-assed job of cleaning it before he laces his fingers with James’, pulling James back inside the house and up to his bedroom where they crawl under the covers, tucked close together as they fall asleep.

\--

The next morning when Kendall presents Gustavo the offer of taking them all to L.A. and making them a singing group, James’ heart soars, and he can’t believe this, can’t believe all of them, Kendall especially, would put their own dreams on hold to chase his. He’s afraid Gustavo’s going to say no, tell them that he only wants Kendall, but when the plane touches down in California, James squeezes Kendall’s hand, a silent thanks, and Kendall squeezes back in response, turning and smiling brightly at James.


End file.
